Goodbye, Aunt Agnes. And thank you.

I missed my Thursday & Friday postings, but there is a reason: my Aunt Agnes passed away early Thursday morning. So I’ve been having this post percolating in my head the last few days.

Aunt Agnes, left, Aunt Dikkie, right

My dad, left, Aunt Agnes, right

Aunt Agnes, 1949

Aunt Agnes, 1951

Aunt Agnes and Uncle Gerrit

Aunt Agnes, Uncle Gerrit and family, this past Mother’s Day

Aunt Agnes was my dad’s sister, in a family of four girls and two boys. They were pretty close in age and in mannerisms, too, I think. Unlike my  mom’s family, who mostly settled in Ontario after immigrating from Holland, my dad’s family was more scattered, and Aunt Agnes and Uncle Gerrit resided in Brandon, Manitoba. I know that my mom looked forward to their visits, as she regarded them as more “down to earth” than the rest of my dad’s family. And beyond that, I’m very sorry to say, I know little about her.

My mom has had issues with my dad’s family for most of her life. I gather that my dad worked on my grandparents’ farm for a number of years, until his older brother took a sudden interest in it, at which point the farm became my uncle’s. This led to resentment on my mom’s part; I’m not sure of my dad because I didn’t hear him speak of this before he died 10 years ago. Beyond that, my mom has always thought that most of  my dad’s family members thought highly of themeselves, which antagonized her beyond belief and really highlighted her insecurities.

This tension resulted in me and my siblings not really knowing my dad’s side of the family very, beyond short visits. Conversely, my mom placed a very high time and quality value on her side of the family, and I’m sure that I can speak for all of us in saying that we were all tired of knowing her side by the time we were ten.

The rise of social media, in particular, Facebook, has tossed an interesting curveball my way. Many of my dad’s family are on Facebook, including two of my aunts and my cousins from that side. In an odd sense, I am getting to know them much more intimately than I ever did as a child, and realizing the differences in social behaviour between the two sides of the family. My mom’s side is “typical” Dutch, which I say with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek — boisterous, rowdy, loud and extroverted. My dad’s side appears to be very different — sensitive, earnest, reverent and emotional.

Now, I know that what you see on Facebook doesn’t tell the whole picture, but it is interesting to have seen a small part of it, nonetheless. I can definitely see where awkwardness would occur — my mom absolutely cannot communicate her feelings to others, unless it is in anger or outrage, but my dad’s family seems to do it on a daily basis. And it also helps me, too, to see where I fit in. I think that I tend to lean towards my dad’s family sensitivities, but didn’t really understand why I felt a gap between that and others in my family. And it makes me feel more comfortable to have new role models that I can look at to understand myself better, even though I still feel like a bit of an outsider.

So I wish that I had more words to share about my Aunt Agnes, but even though I don’t, I think that she has left me with a wonderful gift. It’s up to me to use it. And also up to me to try not to repeat this with my family.

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