This week I returned to work. I’ll write more about that in a later post, but in the meantime I was delighted to discover some old pictures of Tommy.
Even though I could tell someone else details of what he was like as a baby and toddler, I didn’t have a vivid image in my head of him. Looking at these pictures brings me back to a different time. His curls, the 4-teeth smiles, the baby chub, the stubby legs.
Looking back, it is amazing that he has grown up into such a big boy. He loves everything that Daddy does now – Star Wars, comic heroes, rough housing. Remembering how he used to be, it does feel a little like the “Mommy days” are over, even though he still gives me lots of hugs and kisses.
Knowing how things change now, I want to treasure my days with Lex more and more. Lex is so close to crawling: he pushes himself backwards and s pins in circles. This is a stage that I clearly remember from Tommy and know that mobility isn’t far off!
These moments make me feel that I can see so far in the future. Not details, but a general vision of life with two boys and a wonderful husband. I am excited for what there is to come and so glad there will be pictures of the past, so that when I need to I can have a baby again.
Dimpled knuckles
Shy, sly smiles
Chuckles and giggles
Sleep-ins and lazy mornings
All day at the park, cruising the mall and play dates
Wrinkled wrists
Edible knees and thighs
Belly peeking over the diaper
Lifting you in the air
Kissing your wet cheeks
Peek-a-boo
Oh, how you love blankies
My heart bursting with love
Brothers playing together
Watching both growing up
Feeling so much love and family
Knowing that these moments are truly magical
Soaking it in, as much as I can
Sad that it’s gone so fast
Sad that I couldn’t treasure all of it
But happy and proud that I helped create some of it
Blue eyes
Golden, sunny hair
Yummy cheeks
Chasing after my breast with open mouth
Little feet and toes
Soft, warm, cuddly
Afternoon naps, snuggled together
Never forget
Always remember
Lately it seems difficult to go more than a month without some form of comparison between cigarettes and formula. However you wrap it up, whether it’s said that it’s comparing advertisement, past social standing, tactics, health consequences, etc., it doesn’t matter. It is still comparing cigarettes and formula. And where is it that this sort of shock comparison is supposed to lead? Is this classic fear, uncertainty, doubt tactics that is meant to scare people away from using formula? That’s what it feels like to me. It certainly doesn’t feel like educational material. Regardless of if there are facts in there that could be educational, framing them this way results in division and alienation.
Not only does it marginalize the very legitimate feelings of people who are being alienated, these people are then told that their feelings are not of consequence, that they should “move on” and “get over it” while their very method of feeding a child is being compared to a habit that the majority of society considers not only destructive but dirty, undesirable and degrading. The very push at “owning” your own feelings surrounding sorrow or guilt, while having a seed of truth, is being misused to allow the continuance of a comparison that continues to hurt, over and over. When I was in the throes of breastfeeding struggles, this comparison hurt like hell. I don’t feel the sting today, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t remember the sting a short while ago. Just because I am “over it” doesn’t mean that I am going to turn around and condone it.
This comparison needs to STOP. NOW. No matter what terms it’s couched in, it needs to be gone. It’s not like there aren’t other comparisons that would work. e.g. Would you sooner have a human heart or an artificial one? Would you sooner have human blood or animal blood? The insistence on continuing to use this comparison is exactly the same as the insistence on continuing to use the term breast nazi. They are both inappropriate. You can play with semantics all day long, and for the most part, those on your side will back and see your side, but it’s not doing anything for anyone. Getting stuck on defending terms and comparisons like these, just for the sake of being right, are what the mommy wars are made of.
I have been feeling down lately, and am still feeling down today. Ironically, it’s feeling down that has given me the guts to post this. I know some won’t like it, and while I’m cautious enough that I don’t want to lose friends over this, I don’t feel it’s something I can acquiesce. I could hide it, and have for a while. Today, I choose to show my hand. Please take this to heart and spread the word. It can make a difference to a lot of people.
Just for now, I’m going through not such a great stretch. I don’t know why. It could be that the thought of going back to work is affecting me. It could be the changing of the seasons. It could be none or all of them. All I know is that I have been feeling overwhelmingly sad and down. The good thing is that I am talking to Jim about it and he is very supportive. The hard thing is when it happens and I can’t talk to him (while he’s at work). I just want it to go away.
Lex and I picked up Tommy from school today. He ran out of the door and gave me a hug. He asked about playing on the playscape and I told him, “maybe tomorrow” as I wanted to get home and start dinner. To my surprise, he was pleasantly agreeable. As we started walking back home, I found out why.
His eyes sparkled when he slowly opened his hand to show me what he had there. A navy-blue Hotwheels car…that I knew wasn’t his.
I knew that Tommy had been developing a bit of a “sneaking” habit, as he called it. He sneaked gum from his dad, he sneaked candy when he could find it and he’d sneaked some inconsequential craft stuff from school the previous year. We had had a few little talks on how he should ask first, but this was obviously the biggy. A sneaking occasion that I had to use to outline consequences for him.
So I had to put out the sparkle in his lovely eyes and ask who the car belonged to. He thought it belonged to one of his classmates and it crossed my mind that maybe it would be better to have him bring it back the next day but almost immediately I knew that allowing him to bring it home would be signalling my approval. So back we went.
Even before we turned around, he broke down into the ugly cry: red face, tears, snot, legs collapsing. I held his hand and told him that I would be there with him, that there wasn’t anything to be afraid of, that mommy was right here to help. After all, if we make mistakes and have to face them, isn’t it easier to do that with someone that we love? That helped a bit, but he was still quite upset.
We finally reached his teacher and waited for her to finish with another student. Tommy then handed the car over. I was proud that he managed to do this. Immediately after, he went around the corner and started crying and hyperventilating again. I explained to the teacher that he was upset because he knew he had done something wrong. She understood.
We walked back home, Tommy alternating between hanging back and crying, shying away from the other children around him. When we arrived home, I kept him out in the backyard and got us each a popsicle. Then we had a long talk…well, mostly I was talking and he was listening. We talked about how he can share things that belong to him, but that it’s not right if someone takes something that belongs to him without asking. We talked about how the car belonged to the school and how we should leave it there. He told me he loved the car because it had the number five on it — because he’s five years old. He told me he understood, but he was still sad.
Soon Jim came home and we had a talk as a family. Jim told him about his early adventure as a boy and stealing candy from a convenience store. How his mom caught him and made him apologize. I have a stealing story, too, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell it…my mom’s disciplinary tactics in my childhood were not that great and I feel too ashamed to write or talk about them.
Regardless, we had a nice bit of time as a family, talking about belonging. I imagine we’ll have more talks about belonging as he grows older. Some day it will be about belonging to groups of friends. And belonging to a significant other. But for now, as long as it is about who race cars belong to, I am just so grateful that he belongs to me.
Not too long ago, less than six months, I couldn’t manage my mother at all. She seemed to know all the buttons to push that would make me upset. Whether it was constantly asking me about my weight — if I had gained or lost — comparing my accomplishments to someone else’s (whose was usually better or completed faster), or even just simply not wanting to ask me what was going on in my life (although she would be quite happy to talk about herself for half an hour). Oh, how she would drive me crazy. Fortunately for me, I had Jim to rant to, cry to or just share a look with.
Lately, it’s felt a bit different. We talk on the phone about kids, the garden, national politics, household stuff and it’s not antagonistic. It’s as if me being at home has somehow brought us closer together through shared experiences.
For my part, I know that my daily life is significantly different. I’m not at work all day, balancing social environments with work demands, and then running home and trying to assimilate into family life. Life is slower, the small things matter more, changes are more evident. It’s easier to joke about something instead of feeling pressured to make a decision straight away, due to time constraints.
My friend Phon and I used to theorize about how the world of a SAHM was just so different than someone who is working and how that impacted interactions with the external world. Now I feel that I know this to be true. I don’t really want to compare if one is better than the other; both seem to have their positives. But it’s interesting to me that just being at home has positively impacted my relationship with my mother. I feel that I can manage having conversations with her much more easily, that she’s not pushing my buttons and that we’re actually sharing things with each other. I don’t know how much this will change when I go back to work but I hope that if things do change for the worse, I can reach back to this time and remember what it was like to be at home and a bit more like my mother.
Thursday was just one of those days that I wished would end. It had been a relatively fun day; I had gone to the mall with the kids to meet a friend with her 2 daughters. We strolled around the mall, ate a bit of lunch at the food court and then prepared to go home. By this time, Tommy and my friend’s daughter had worked themselves up into some spastic games of hide-and-seek, and both of us were trying to get them calmed down. When we finally said goodbye, Tommy and Lex were both beat (no napping for Lex). The ride home on the bus takes approximately 1 hour, as we need to make a connection to a bus that goes relatively infrequently.
When we finally arrive home, we were all a little grumpy. I think we were actually ready for bed then and should have just gone, but it seemed too early (Tommy would never have bought bedtime while the sun was still so high in the sky!). So we stayed up, I made dinner and Jim came home. We ate and then the bedtime from hell set upon us.
Lex was up and down two times. I usually try to put him down and then Jim takes on Tommy, but he wasn’t having any of that. At one point, we had both kids in their rooms, screaming their heads off. Jim and I looked at each other and knew something had to give, hopefully not us! So even though I knew it would mean my evening going down the tubes, I had him bring Lex to our bed and started nursing him lying down in bed. One child silent.
In about 5 minutes, Tommy came to our room, still sullen about bedtime. I invited him into our bed and he happily came up. We all lay there quietly in the dark. Two children silent.
I don’t know who started the giggles, but somehow one slipped out somewhere and then the rest was just magic. Tommy would start to giggle and then Lex would join in. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t looking at Tommy or seeing any other visual cues. As soon as he heard that start of a giggle, he was off on his own chortle. And, of course, Tommy thought it was hilarious that Lex was giggling and would start up his own laughing again. It was all too funny and sweet that I couldn’t help joining in.
In just a few minutes, the night had gone from a horrible, tired, cross and grumpy one to a kingdom of smiles and laughs. And even though I do love having my little bit of “me” time in the evenings, that night it was well worth giving up my kingdom for a giggle.
Summer is almost over. Next week, Tommy starts school again. As trite as it sounds, it’s hard to believe that it’s gone by so fast. And it has been so wonderful.
Reflecting back, at the beginning of summer, I had been panicking. I had been home on maternity leave for 4 months with Lex, but Tommy had been in JK for the afternoons and in daycare 2 mornings a week. I couldn’t fathom how I could handle both kids, full-time for over 2 months. And now, I can’t fathom what it’s going to be like to not have both of them.
It has been 2 months of fun, growth and love. We’ve had weeks where we’ve gone out every single day with friends or by ourselves. We’ve also had weeks where we’ve stayed home most of the day, just going outside to play. Both have been enjoyable and it’s been great to change it up. We’ve gone for long walks, to the park, the OSC, the mall, downtown, uptown, the movies, friends’ houses, the library and our local coffee store, La Notre. Nothing over-the-top exciting but I feel that it’s really helped us get our roots grounded in this community, something that I haven’t experienced yet in Toronto. I look forward to learning more about our community and becoming more actively involved in it. It helps to call this place home.
Tommy went to Jim’s parents for 3 days and then to my mom for 4 days, which turned into 5 days because of the tornadoes that happened in late August. I couldn’t believe how much I missed him and Lex, too! But he enjoyed himself there and I think that his grandparents enjoyed getting to know him a bit more.
I feel that I also grew quite a bit this summer. I took a break from my online community, which prompted to reach out to new people and also gave me time to try and do new things. I’ve engaged with some fantastic people on Twitter, started getting the hang of this blogging thing and embarked on some self-discovery. I’ve also managed to get a bit more of a grasp on this domestic engineering thing (although I’m far from perfect!), which I hope will let me transition smoothly back to work when Jim goes on parental leave and transition again when we both go back to work.
Lex has grown so much! He loves sitting in whatever room I’m in and smiles and laughs and is just such a joy, he makes my heart want to burst. Tommy is maturing and ready for learning more at school. This break has brought out a lot of affection from him; he smothers me in hugs and kisses daily. He kisses me so much that sometimes I am impatient for him to be done, but remind myself that I will miss this! And Jim is just the most wonderful husband. I feel like I really lucked out in terms of family.
And so, with lots of fun, growth and love, the summer is sadly coming to a close. Every day, I close my eyes, trying to burn these feelings and images into my head and heart. I know that I will forget some of them, but hopefully these words will help me remember a bit more than otherwise.
I’ll close with a few pictures.
Life is too busy and sometimes it feels as if the online world just makes it busier. There’s no doubt that there are a lot of benefits to being online, but when you can sit down and blow 30 minutes without thinking, it’s kind of scary. Even when I’m frittering time away watching television, I find I can get more done (both while the show is on and during commercial breaks) than when I’m online.
There are plenty of other sources for engagement. For myself, there’s my children and my husband; my immediate family; my friends; my co-workers; my larger community; my home; my hobbies. I find that when I am engaged with them, the time does not slip by so quickly. Sure, sometimes it’s painfully slow (a la young children’s whining or baby’s crying). Other times, a trip out can easily be 3 hours without me realizing it. However, it’s not a jolt of panic as I realize of how much time has flown by. Instead, after a long trip, I feel satisfied with all that has been accomplished, physically, mentally and emotionally.
As easy as it is to lose oneself online, the reminder of the after-effects should be kept top of mind. I never walk away feeling disappointed when spending time with my family. I frequently walk away feeling disappointed spending time with the computer. After all, it’s only a machine. And that is not to disparage the lovely people I do meet online — it is the connections to others that do make it worthwhile. But the out-of-touchness of the medium remains chronically dissatisfying.
Perhaps its time to disengage.
I’m sitting here, listening to my canning endeavours quietly sound off — “thwok” — one by one until they are all sealed. Today, I made blueberry jam for the first time. And it tastes sooo good! The best part is that it wasn’t as difficult as I had worried about it being, so now I have loads more confidence to do some more canning.
Part of the reason that it was easier than I thought was that my husband helped me out. His excuse was that nothing was on TV, but I secretly think he enjoyed canning just as much as he likes puttering around in the garden with me. I don’t know how I ended up with such a wonderful man for a husband. As I told him tonight, the only thing that makes me feel better about going back to work in 6 weeks is that I know he is going to enjoy being home with the boys so much. We’re not perfect, but we’re pretty darn good together.
Just knowing that we both feel that way about each other makes me so happy. I was never the sort of person who had her future all planned out. Had number of kids, type of wedding, etc. all decided on. So in a way, I feel like I’ve just stumbled into this happiness, that the life I’m living is part of someone else’s plan and not what I have really been cut out for.
Please don’t mistake this as me thinking that I don’t deserve it; I think we all deserve happiness. It’s more that this domestic bliss goes against some of my self-identity. I don’t see myself as a “happy wife” and I’ve had trouble taking pleasure in those things strongly associated with it, such as cooking, cleaning, etc. But I’m beginning to expand my self-identity to those areas (thanks to some neat people I’ve met on Twitter) and am excited at what these new steps have to offer. I didn’t think of these as new leaves, but turning them over is more fun than I’d ever imagined.
Blueberry Jam Recipe
I went through a number of blueberry jam recipes and picked up what looked to be the best of them (for my taste buds). My husband, who normally doesn’t enjoy blueberry jam, really liked this one, so I’m hoping that means something went right.
Ingredients
8 cups blueberries
1 package light fruit pectin crystals
2.5 cups sugar
1 lemon
1 tsp cinnamon
In large Dutch oven and using potato masher, mash blueberries to make 5 cups (1.25 L). Add 1 cup (250 mL) water. Add zest from lemon & cut lemon in half. Using 1/2 lemon, squeeze juice into blueberry mixture (make sure seeds don’t fall in). Add 1 tsp cinnamon.
Mix pectin with 1/4 cup (50 mL) of the sugar; stir into blueberries. Bring to full rolling boil over high heat, stirring occasionally. Stir in remaining sugar and return to full rolling boil; boil hard, stirring, for 1 minute. Remove from heat; skim off foam.
Using funnel, fill hot 1-cup (250 mL) canning jars, leaving 1/4-inch (5 mm) headspace. Cover with prepared lids. Screw on bands until resistance is met; increase to fingertip tight. Boil in boiling water canner for 10 minutes.
